"Be
the change you wish to see in the world." ~ Mahatma
Gandhi
Living in a Time of Change
We
are experiencing a phenomenal era in history and on
our planet, as it is truly a time of change and growth
or us all. While some consider this "hard"
times in our physical
world, what is truly occurring is the shift of consciousness
that is required for us to evolve and transform as human
beings, together and individually.  We
are blessed with immeasurable energy and support for
this to occur, both seen and unseen, and each of us
has the opportunity to take full advantage of the possibilities
being offered.
The healing of the whole begins with our own willingness
to heal ourselves...to explore and accept the beautiful
Truth of who we are, and have always been. The weekend
intensives and other work offered here through the Center,
give us the opportunity to start right here, right now,
to do that which needs to be done...to release the old,
out-dated ideas and Self-limiting beliefs that keep
us stuck in patterns of disbelief, discouragement, fear
and bitterness, and embrace a new way of being; a TRUE
way of being!
This is an invitation and a call to action! Whether
you accept this invitation as a means to your own personal
transformation or you choose another path, please remember
that we ARE the society in which we live...when one
hurts, we all hurt...and sometimes we hurt each other.
When we heal our own wounds, we heal each other, and
peace is restored in the world.
Thank you for choosing to act, and to BE the change
you long to see in our world! ~ Kate
|
Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright ©
2009 | |
"Stop
letting your past determine your future! Start here, start now, and choose life
on your terms. If you want love, be love. If you want peace, be peace. If you
want truth, be truth." ~ Kate Bares-Johnson
Awakening
Your Divine Self
"There
is no gift more profound than the honor of one's Self." ~ Kate
Bares-Johnson
What does it mean to "honor one's Self"? Some
may think of it as selfish or self-centered. Others may mistake it for indulgence,
or doing "whatever we want, whenever we want," because it feels good.
However, neither of these perspectives is true in the context of this writing.
What I hope to impart today is the understanding that to honor one's Self is to
honor the Truth of who we are and to embrace a level of Self-worth and Self-acceptance
from deep within.
Above all else, it is our Self-worth that is our most precious, natural resource.
I say "natural" because it is perfectly natural for us to feel worthy.
We come that way! But through our life experiences, we often begin to question
and doubt our worthiness, our Self-acceptance begins to wane, and our original,
precious Self becomes the very aspect of our being that we abuse, neglect, and
destroy the most. In reality, there is nothing more debilitating than the pain
we inflict upon ourselves by denying who we truly are. Yet, we do it all the time:
unconsciously moving away from our truest nature, abandoning the Self, then wanting
and waiting for another to come along and retrieve us.
Many people spend entire lifetimes searching for ways, and other people, to fill
the void left by leaving themselves and become increasingly lonely and bitter
when nothing and no one can ease the emptiness. This is not because there's no
one to love them, but rather, because no one CAN love us the way they are intended
to love ourselves. When we stop honoring, respecting and validating ourselves,
we have simply forgotten who we truly are, and our task at hand is to remember.
Until we do, there is no one else who can do it for us.
If, in this moment, you recognize yourself in these words, know this: on the very
deepest level of your consciousness, you already know that you are worthy; that
you are loved. The longing that you feel is simply the Truth awakening within
you.
Most live much
of their lives with these subtle negative emotions and never associate them with
a lack of Self-acceptance or Self-worth; however, there are always tell-tale signs
of the culprit if we are paying attention. We may feel a nagging sense that something's
missing. We may be self-conscious or paranoid that we are being judged, or we
may be quick to judge others. We beat ourselves up with shame and guilt before
anyone else even has the opportunity, and believe we are responsible for others'
pain. We often have a string of failed relationships or unhealthy friendships,
or even jobs. We will sometimes be over-confident to the point of arrogance, superior
in our communication with others or overly competitive and not understand why
people don't want to play on our teams. In our intimate relationships we may be
unable to express ourselves freely or ask for what we want, both emotionally and
sexually, or we may be extreme in either case, over-compensating for our fear.
All of these, and more, are examples of a lack of Self-worth and Self-acceptance
and, as you can see, are detrimental to our ability to create healthy, thriving
relationships in the world, beginning with our relationship with the Self.
This is not to say we
can't recover and heal from these negative beliefs about ourselves, however, we
must begin with the willingness to face the truth about ourselves…the beautiful,
glorious Truth that we are, and always have been, worth loving.
During a time in my life when doing so seemed the least likely or appropriate
thing to do, I read the following excerpt from a book entitled, Honoring the
Self, by Nathaniel Branden. These words literally changed my life! The doors
of Self-acceptance swung wide, and I was encouraged again to seek from within
that which I'd sought from others for so long. The essence of this simple truth
has remained at the core of my life and my work with others, and through this
I've discovered that to honor my Self is to honor the Divine. For this I am so
grateful! I share it with you now, with love and hope that you too will begin
the journey to awakening, celebrating, and honoring your beautiful, Divine Self!
"Of all the judgments that we pass in life,
none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches
the very center of our existence.
…No
significant aspect of our thinking, motivation, feelings, or behavior is unaffected
by our self-evaluation…
The first act of honoring the self is the assertion
of consciousness: the choice to think, to be aware, to send the searchlight of
consciousness outward toward the world and inward toward our own being. To default
on this effort is to default on the self at the most basic level.
To honor the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own
mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions and judgments.
To honor the self is to be willing to know not only what we think but also what
we feel, what we want, need, desire, suffer over, are frightened or angered by
- and to accept our right to experience such feelings. The opposite of this attitude
is denial, disowning, repression - self-repudiation.
To honor the self is to preserve an attitude of self-acceptance - which means
to accept what we are, without self-oppression or self-castigation, without any
pretense about the truth of our own being, pretense aimed at deceiving either
ourselves or anyone else.
To honor the self is to live authentically, to speak and act from our innermost
convictions and feelings.
To honor the self is to refuse to accept unearned
guilt, and to do our best to correct such guilt as we may have earned.
To honor the self is to be committed to our right to exist which proceeds from
the knowledge that our life does not belong to others and that we are not here
on earth to live up to someone else's expectations. To many people, this is a
terrifying responsibility.
To honor the self is to be in love with our own
life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love
with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.
Thus we can begin to see that to honor the self is to practice selfishness in
the highest, noblest, and least understood sense of that word. And this, I shall
argue, requires enormous independence, courage, and integrity."
-Nathaniel Branden
|
| Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright © 2009 | |
""Doubling your standards does not make them
higher" ~ Kate Bares-Johnson
The Healing Power of
Healthy Tolerance
When we
hear the word "toleration" we typically hear
a negative connotation, whereas, the word "tolerance"
feels very different. They are both from the same root
word, tolerate, which is defined as: 1.To allow; permit.
2. To recognize and respect (others beliefs, practices,
etc.) without necessarily agreeing. Obviously, we don't
want to allow or permit inappropriate or painful situations,
but choosing to recognize and respect others beliefs
and practices without judgment is quite empowering.
For example, in the practice
of Coaching, a great exercise that helps clear negative
energy is to get rid of the tolerations in your life.
You can begin by making a list of everything you're
putting up with, from small, seemingly benign issues
to the greater problems that are draining your life
force. As you begin to take care of them one by one,
scratching each off of your list, your energy will steadily
increase and you will be free to focus on that which
you truly desire.
This is an excellent practice, but what if you find
yourself tolerating something or someone you love? The
dog with bad manners, a partner's annoying habit, or
even your MOTHER! Do you scratch them off your list
too? Not likely, but when you've done all you can and
the problem persists, most will find themselves tolerating
circumstances and behaviors in an unhealthy way: with
resentment and agitation.
Several things may have already occurred. Perhaps you've
exhausted your efforts to accept or correct the problem
and have become impatient and blaming. You may find
yourself avoiding or resisting closeness. Perhaps you
talk about the problem in your conversations with others,
but are unwilling to address the issues directly anymore.
Or you may feel so justified in your judgment that you
work over-time to prove you're right, becoming so irritable
and cranky that others have actually gone away! Does
this sound familiar? What has happened, my friend, is
you have become obsessed with someone else's problem
and obsession is a sneaky little monster that will drain
your mental and emotional energy completely. After a
while, you will begin to feel resigned and with a great
sigh, you will shake your head, grit your teeth, and
mumble under your breath, fully believing you are moving
into acceptance. In reality, you're simply resigning
to your anger and frustration, becoming more and more
intolerant.
Healthy tolerance, on the other hand, is a balance of
acceptance and detachment, and is much more honoring
of ourselves and everyone involved. We tend to resist
accepting "what is" because it feels like
we're giving up and that feels discouraging and depressing.
However, acceptance is not resignation, but realization
and it occurs the moment we surrender. When our efforts
to control or change a situation or behavior in another
person have failed, it's time to look at reality and
detach from our need for it to change. There is always
potential for improvement, but no amount of control,
anger, manipulation, or coercing is going to change
another person and we're only expending precious energy
obsessing about it.
If you don't feel ready to accept, forgive, or let something
go, then simply strive for a healthy level of tolerance
first. Bring your energy back to yourself and do what
you need to do to take care of yourself. Set appropriate
boundaries where necessary…breathe, relax, and
stop taking it so personally. Notice how much energy
you've used being angry and agitated. How do you want
to feel? If you want to feel peace, let go and allow
yourself to feel peace. If you want to feel powerful,
stop giving your power to someone else's problem. If
you want to be close, stop withholding and reach out.
Remember your humanness and that of others, as well
as the Divinity in each of us. Look honestly and compassionately
within yourself…and let yourself begin to heal.
Developing a healthy tolerance for that which we do
not understand or agree with is the first step toward
peace…peace of mind, peace within, and peace on
the planet.
| Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright © 2009 | |
"All the world is make believe. To make, you must believe"
~ Jenee Arthur
|  Codependency:
It's Not What it Used to Be
You MIGHT be Codependent
if...
... you've ever heard yourself
think or say, "If you love me, you will....."
... you've
ever thought that if someone else would just CHANGE, you'd be happy.
... you've rescued another person...emotionally or physically...only to
later resent and judge them for needing to be rescued in the first place!
... you've been possessive, obsessive, and felt like you were LOSING
YOUR MIND over someone or something you didn't like that much to begin with.
...
your entire life feels out of control when you can't have what (or WHO) you want
RIGHT NOW!
… you question your own decisions and opinions
when other people don't agree with them ...
… you
sacrifice your own needs and wants for the needs and wants of others.
... you have to get angry to be heard ...
... you've
stopped trying to be heard ...
... you're angry, scared,
or lonely and can't tell which is which anymore.
... you say
"yes" when you mean "no"; "NO" when you mean "yes";
have no idea WHAT you mean, and wonder why people don't "get" you
...
OR ...
... you sing the lyrics to the
old love song "Love Hurts" in the shower!
If you answered
a resounding "YES!" to any of these statements, you just might be codependent.
Although we can chuckle at the obvious,
Codependency is NO JOKE! It is actually host to some of the most common, destructive,
unhealthy, and unconscious habits and behaviors we do as human beings. For
many years, when I mentioned the topic of "codependency" to clients,
I would get various negative reactions as if I had just asked them to smell a
dirty sock! However, with the willingness to delve more deeply they were able
to understand its significance in their lives and ultimately, begin the process
of healing and recovering themselves from a number of false beliefs and unhealthy
behaviors they were not even aware were causing their pain. Although
the term codependent was coined in the 1980's as a means of identifying the feelings
and behaviors of people in relationships with alcoholics and addicts, it has a
much broader meaning today. If you were to look at codependency under a microscope,
you would find it is simply a set of beliefs and perspectives about love…what
it looks like, feels like, acts like; how we get it, keep it, protect it; what
it means about us if we have it or if we don't; and at it's very core, the belief
that love exists externally rather than internally, which is ultimately the true
culprit. When we believe our source of love resides in others, we are rendered
dependent on them for love, acceptance, approval, acknowledgement, affection,
attention and validation, and in our codependent nature, will go in search of
someone to help us feel "whole". In order to do so, we must seek out
(or already have) someone who will cooperate in this dynamic with us, hence creating
a "codependent" relationship, in which both parties are dependent on
the same set of beliefs in order to sustain the relationship. This happens in
relationships of all kinds, be it intimate, parent/child, friendship, coworkers,
or the world at large and is completely unconscious to most of us, which is where
our work begins. It's time to wake up! To be interdependent
is to live and practice the conscious awareness that our sense of Self is derived
from within. To be inter-dependent is to be "internally dependent" on
our own capacity for love, validation, and acceptance, rather than externally
dependent on others to fulfill us. Just as we learn to walk, talk, and feed our
bodies as we grow, we must also learn to honor, validate, and nurture our Souls
or we will remain dependent on others to do so. Most of us did not get a lot of
support in this area and learned instead to trust others more than ourselves,
seek others' opinions, approval, and acceptance over our own, and in essence,
lost pieces of our true Self along the way. This is that subtle feeling we get
sometimes that "something's missing". It IS! But it's not far out of
reach. The task now is to find and embrace those aspects of Self and remember
who we are again…from the inside out. Once in alignment
with that which we already ARE, we are able to relax and enjoy the love we feel
with others, rather than needing it to feel complete. When we are complete within
ourselves, we are at peace. If you've not yet explored
this aspect of your personal/spiritual growth, or at least not explored it from
this perspective, I highly recommend it as an empowering, enlightening, and often
very entertaining process!
|
Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright ©
2009 | |
“I
have found that if I love until it hurts, there is no more hurt…there is
only more love.” ~ Mother Theresa
Give
That Which You Want to Receive
I think Marianne
Williamson said it best when she said, "That which we most want from another
is that which we are least willing to give." This is a powerful statement!
 What
if the very thing that we are seeking in another…love, approval, validation,
acceptance, acknowledgment, respect…is the very thing that we were not giving
to ourselves, the other person, or the world at large? Think about it. What is
one thing that you wish another person would do, be, or say to you? Now, explore
a little further to ask yourself if you are doing, being, or saying that to the
other person? Are you giving them what you want to receive; are you giving it
to yourself? Are you validating others? Are you honoring, respecting, and listening
when they speak? Are you trusting and honoring yourself? Are you expressing love;
forgiveness; acceptance?
We are often so busy blaming, judging, and feeling
victimized that we don't recognize ourselves unconsciously doing the very same
thing! This is called denial, and it perpetuates our pain far more than the pain
inflicted by others. It is difficult to face ourselves and our own judgments,
but, if we are willing to look within first, we will begin to find peace.
The best way I know to do this is to simply "walk your talk." Regardless
of what is happening, if you want love, be loving. If you want peace, be peaceful.
If you want respect, be respectful. If validation and acknowledgment are what
you seek, ask yourself where you are not validating and acknowledging others.
Resist the temptation to blame, judge, and make others responsible for your
pain. Stop waiting for them do what you are failing to do yourself. You must embark
on the excavation of the truth within, humbly and willingly exploring your own
actions and behaviors. Forgive yourself…forgive others. If you want truth,
you must be truthful…and the deepest truth is love.
Sound challenging?
Go ahead. Try it on! Step out there on a skinny limb today and stretch past your
comfort. Strive for the truth and be willing to stand in it. What is one thing
in your heart that you've thought about, longed to do, say, or be, but have been
afraid to risk? Is there something that you want to share with someone…a
feeling, an apology, gratitude? Is there a boundary that needs to be set? Where
in your life are you withholding? By whom are you in fear of being rejected, embarrassed,
or even successful?
Nothing in our lives improves by our not showing
up. When you wonder why you aren't getting what you want, stop and consider how
you're asking for it, or if you ARE asking for it. Do you assume you can't have
it, so therefore, resist inviting it in? Open the door! Allow the Universe to
support you. Step out there and speak your truth, walk your talk, live your life
the way you want it to be delivered back to you. What if that's all that's required
of us to do…to just show up and let the Truth of our being shine through.
Go ahead…take the risk to be who you truly are and watch your life magically
unfold!
Today, I will look within myself for that which I have desperately,
painfully sought in others. I will forgive others and myself. I will begin the
process of giving that which I want to receive, with gratitude and love.
| Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright © 2009 | |
“The
Truth of a thing does not necessarily change the reality of it!" ~ Kate Bares-Johnson
 What's
in Your Suitcase?
When we enter into partnership, we come
with a suitcase packed with life experiences…past relationships, resentments,
wounds, needs, dramas, fears, desires, dreams, and beliefs about ourselves, and
about love. When we decide to set up house, literally and figuratively, we begin
to unpack our suitcases, revealing aspects of ourselves we may have had neatly
tucked away.
This is a natural and necessary process in every relationship. However, we often
find the contents of our partner's suitcase unbecoming or distasteful and prefer
they just get rid of it! And here it begins…the process of attempting to
change our mate so we'll be happy.
Lesson #1: Dig in your own suitcase! Rather than rummaging through your partner's
suitcase, look intently and honestly in your own and do what needs to be done
to put those things away. In other words, be willing to do heal your own wounds.
Lesson #2: Honor and validate your partner. There are
very distinct differences between masculine and feminine energy, even in same-sex
relationships, and a necessary balance of Yin and Yang is required. Learning to
recognize and understand these unique qualities, rather than judge and criticize,
is honoring and validating to our partner. Lesson #
3: Do not attack! Resist attacking others and yourself in thought, word, and
action. If you only practice this one principle, your life and your love will
change dramatically. Lesson #4: Remember that you
are on the same team. If a teammate makes a mistake and lets the team down, we
generally forgive, encourage and even pick up the slack if needed. However, couples
tend to take each other's mistakes and mishaps personally, forgetting they are
teammates in life, working toward the same goals. And
last,
Lesson #5: Remember the Higher Purpose of your Partnership.
We all need to feel a sense of purpose in our lives, yet we often fail to see
the greater purpose in our intimate relationships. It is important to identify
our own purpose as individuals, first and foremost. Once we are aware of our Self,
we are more willing to honor our partner's individuality and purpose, and together,
we are able to seek and understand the Higher Purpose of our relationship. When
in alignment and committed to something greater than ourselves, our relationship
has more meaning, life has more value, and love has no limit!
|
Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright ©
2009 | |
“In
soloing - as in other activities - it is far easier to start something than it
is to finish it.” ~ Amelia Earhart
|
