Living in a Time of Change
We
are experiencing a phenomenal era in history and on
our planet, as it is truly a time of change and growth
or us all. While some consider this "hard"
times in our physical
world, what is truly occurring is the shift of consciousness
that is required for us to evolve and transform as human
beings, together and individually.  We
are blessed with immeasurable energy and support for
this to occur, both seen and unseen, and each of us
has the opportunity to take full advantage of the possibilities
being offered.
The healing of the whole begins with our own willingness
to heal ourselves...to explore and accept the beautiful
Truth of who we are, and have always been. The weekend
intensives and other work offered here through the Center,
give us the opportunity to start right here, right now,
to do that which needs to be done...to release the old,
out-dated ideas and Self-limiting beliefs that keep
us stuck in patterns of disbelief, discouragement, fear
and bitterness, and embrace a new way of being; a TRUE
way of being!
This is an invitation and a call to action! Whether
you accept this invitation as a means to your own personal
transformation or you choose another path, please remember
that we ARE the society in which we live...when one
hurts, we all hurt...and sometimes we hurt each other.
When we heal our own wounds, we heal each other, and
peace is restored in the world.
Thank you for choosing to act, and to BE the change
you long to see in our world! ~ Kate
|
Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright ©
2009 | |
"Stop
letting your past determine your future! Start here, start now, and choose life
on your terms. If you want love, be love. If you want peace, be peace. If you
want truth, be truth." ~ Kate Bares-Johnson
Awakening
Your Divine Self
"There
is no gift more profound than the honor of one's Self." ~ Kate
Bares-Johnson
What does it mean to "honor one's Self"? Some
may think of it as selfish or self-centered. Others may mistake it for indulgence,
or doing "whatever we want, whenever we want," because it feels good.
However, neither of these perspectives is true in the context of this writing.
What I hope to impart today is the understanding that to honor one's Self is to
honor the Truth of who we are and to embrace a level of Self-worth and Self-acceptance
from deep within.
Above all else, it is our Self-worth that is our most precious, natural resource.
I say "natural" because it is perfectly natural for us to feel worthy.
We come that way! But through our life experiences, we often begin to question
and doubt our worthiness, our Self-acceptance begins to wane, and our original,
precious Self becomes the very aspect of our being that we abuse, neglect, and
destroy the most. In reality, there is nothing more debilitating than the pain
we inflict upon ourselves by denying who we truly are. Yet, we do it all the time:
unconsciously moving away from our truest nature, abandoning the Self, then wanting
and waiting for another to come along and retrieve us.
Many people spend entire lifetimes searching for ways, and other people, to fill
the void left by leaving themselves and become increasingly lonely and bitter
when nothing and no one can ease the emptiness. This is not because there's no
one to love them, but rather, because no one CAN love us the way they are intended
to love ourselves. When we stop honoring, respecting and validating ourselves,
we have simply forgotten who we truly are, and our task at hand is to remember.
Until we do, there is no one else who can do it for us.
If, in this moment, you recognize yourself in these words, know this: on the very
deepest level of your consciousness, you already know that you are worthy; that
you are loved. The longing that you feel is simply the Truth awakening within
you.
Most live much
of their lives with these subtle negative emotions and never associate them with
a lack of Self-acceptance or Self-worth; however, there are always tell-tale signs
of the culprit if we are paying attention. We may feel a nagging sense that something's
missing. We may be self-conscious or paranoid that we are being judged, or we
may be quick to judge others. We beat ourselves up with shame and guilt before
anyone else even has the opportunity, and believe we are responsible for others'
pain. We often have a string of failed relationships or unhealthy friendships,
or even jobs. We will sometimes be over-confident to the point of arrogance, superior
in our communication with others or overly competitive and not understand why
people don't want to play on our teams. In our intimate relationships we may be
unable to express ourselves freely or ask for what we want, both emotionally and
sexually, or we may be extreme in either case, over-compensating for our fear.
All of these, and more, are examples of a lack of Self-worth and Self-acceptance
and, as you can see, are detrimental to our ability to create healthy, thriving
relationships in the world, beginning with our relationship with the Self.
This is not to say we
can't recover and heal from these negative beliefs about ourselves, however, we
must begin with the willingness to face the truth about ourselves…the beautiful,
glorious Truth that we are, and always have been, worth loving.
During a time in my life when doing so seemed the least likely or appropriate
thing to do, I read the following excerpt from a book entitled, Honoring the
Self, by Nathaniel Branden. These words literally changed my life! The doors
of Self-acceptance swung wide, and I was encouraged again to seek from within
that which I'd sought from others for so long. The essence of this simple truth
has remained at the core of my life and my work with others, and through this
I've discovered that to honor my Self is to honor the Divine. For this I am so
grateful! I share it with you now, with love and hope that you too will begin
the journey to awakening, celebrating, and honoring your beautiful, Divine Self!
"Of all the judgments that we pass in life,
none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches
the very center of our existence.
…No
significant aspect of our thinking, motivation, feelings, or behavior is unaffected
by our self-evaluation…
The first act of honoring the self is the assertion
of consciousness: the choice to think, to be aware, to send the searchlight of
consciousness outward toward the world and inward toward our own being. To default
on this effort is to default on the self at the most basic level.
To honor the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own
mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions and judgments.
To honor the self is to be willing to know not only what we think but also what
we feel, what we want, need, desire, suffer over, are frightened or angered by
- and to accept our right to experience such feelings. The opposite of this attitude
is denial, disowning, repression - self-repudiation.
To honor the self is to preserve an attitude of self-acceptance - which means
to accept what we are, without self-oppression or self-castigation, without any
pretense about the truth of our own being, pretense aimed at deceiving either
ourselves or anyone else.
To honor the self is to live authentically, to speak and act from our innermost
convictions and feelings.
To honor the self is to refuse to accept unearned
guilt, and to do our best to correct such guilt as we may have earned.
To honor the self is to be committed to our right to exist which proceeds from
the knowledge that our life does not belong to others and that we are not here
on earth to live up to someone else's expectations. To many people, this is a
terrifying responsibility.
To honor the self is to be in love with our own
life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love
with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.
Thus we can begin to see that to honor the self is to practice selfishness in
the highest, noblest, and least understood sense of that word. And this, I shall
argue, requires enormous independence, courage, and integrity."
-Nathaniel Branden
|
| Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright © 2009 | |
""Doubling your standards does not make them
higher" ~ Kate Bares-Johnson
What Is Your Communication Saying About You?
 There is nothing in our world, or our relationships, that is not affected by our communication. What we think, feel, need, want, believe, and expect are being communicated constantly, both verbally and non-verbally, consciously and unconsciously. We are communicating continuously with our thoughts and actions, fears and reactions…and getting results accordingly. Even those with healthy communication skills are often baffled by their results with others, when they themselves seem to be communicating "effectively".
This is because WHAT we communicate is far more impactful than HOW we communicate…and it's happening behind the scenes, in every moment. We are, in essence, either responding or reacting to everything in our environment, all the time. We respond or react to people, experiences, circumstances, stress, joy, pleasure, pain, disappointment, satisfaction, loss, gain, and the list goes on and on. We are sometimes tired, sometimes energized. Sometimes hopeful, sometimes discouraged…troubled, peaceful, excited, or frightened. You get the picture. This is real life, and we're not going to get around our humanness, however, understanding what's happening on deeper levels will go a long way in improving communication on the conscious level.
Let's start by discerning between reacting and responding first. In laymen terms, reacting is acting again in the same emotional or physical way we have acted in the past when a similar situation or feeling occurred. If that past experience was painful, we may have learned to survive, defend, or protect ourselves in some way, which was probably appropriate at the time. However, if we are still surviving, defending or protecting ourselves, especially when circumstances don't require it, we are re-acting. We are unconsciously reverting to a painful event or series of events in our past, as if it's happening now. Our conscious mind may know it's not, but at that moment, it's not our conscious Self that's communicating, and the pains of old wounds are flooding to the surface. That's why we commonly call it OVER-reacting.
I like to use the analogy of a string of lights. When one bulb goes out, they all go out. The same is true in the opposite…if we replace the bulb, they all light up! This is similar to what happens when wounds and painful experiences of our past go unchecked…when we plug in that one bulb, ALL those similar painful experiences "light us up" in that moment. We will continue to do this again and again, until we address the original pain and heal it.
Responding on the other hand, is what happens when we are present in THIS moment, addressing the current situation without all the baggage of the past interfering. It is setting appropriate boundaries, taking care of ourselves responsibly, peacefully, and sometimes firmly, but with clarity and intention. It is communicating from Truth rather than Fear, and it is our response-ability to do so. We have a choice to respond or react in any given moment, although we sometimes do have to shift paradigms, learn new skills, and practice new behavior in order to get the hang of it.
Obviously, it takes more than just better communication skills to communicate better, which is where "WHAT we communicate" comes in. When conflicted internally or externally, what remains unhealed within us is what we communicate most loudly, regardless of the words we speak. It is crucial to our well being and our relationships to look honestly at our reactions and begin to connect the dots to our past experiences, so that we can diffuse the energy, allow old wounds to heal and current relationships to thrive.
Most of us are not aware of our triggers, so an easy exercise to begin the process is to track your communication with others for one or two full days…all your interactions with friends, strangers, children, parents, coworkers, partners, and even pets. Observe your reactions to others' communications and choices, gestures, and even your annoyances and tolerations. Just observe, and when you find yourself reacting, even when it feels justified, check in with what emotion or pain is beneath your reaction. It might show up as disrespect, violation, fear, abandonment, not feeling appreciated or loved, or feeling out of control or unheard. Again, just observe without judgment. Keep a notebook handy so you can later see if there is a common thread of early experience(s) in your life. You may need support or guidance to help with the healing and release of energy around it, but it is well worth the excavation! Once the healing has commenced, you will likely begin to notice a difference in your interactions with others…and so will they…as you become more peaceful, grounded, and present in the here and now.
I'm always interested to hear how the practices work for you, so please feel free to email me with questions or comments, or for support and guidance through the process. Many blessings!
Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright © 2010
| | |
"All the world is make believe. To make, you must believe"
~ Jenee Arthur
| Codependency:
It's Not What it Used to Be
 You MIGHT be Codependent
if...
... you've ever heard yourself
think or say, "If you love me, you will....."
... you've
ever thought that if someone else would just CHANGE, you'd be happy.
... you've rescued another person...emotionally or physically...only to
later resent and judge them for needing to be rescued in the first place!
... you've been possessive, obsessive, and felt like you were LOSING
YOUR MIND over someone or something you didn't like that much to begin with.
...
your entire life feels out of control when you can't have what (or WHO) you want
RIGHT NOW!
… you question your own decisions and opinions
when other people don't agree with them ...
… you
sacrifice your own needs and wants for the needs and wants of others.
... you have to get angry to be heard ...
... you've
stopped trying to be heard ...
... you're angry, scared,
or lonely and can't tell which is which anymore.
... you say
"yes" when you mean "no"; "NO" when you mean "yes";
have no idea WHAT you mean, and wonder why people don't "get" you
...
OR ...
... you sing the lyrics to the
old love song "Love Hurts" in the shower!
If you answered
a resounding "YES!" to any of these statements, you just might be codependent.
Although we can chuckle at the obvious,
Codependency is NO JOKE! It is actually host to some of the most common, destructive,
unhealthy, and unconscious habits and behaviors we do as human beings. For
many years, when I mentioned the topic of "codependency" to clients,
I would get various negative reactions as if I had just asked them to smell a
dirty sock! However, with the willingness to delve more deeply they were able
to understand its significance in their lives and ultimately, begin the process
of healing and recovering themselves from a number of false beliefs and unhealthy
behaviors they were not even aware were causing their pain. Although
the term codependent was coined in the 1980's as a means of identifying the feelings
and behaviors of people in relationships with alcoholics and addicts, it has a
much broader meaning today. If you were to look at codependency under a microscope,
you would find it is simply a set of beliefs and perspectives about love…what
it looks like, feels like, acts like; how we get it, keep it, protect it; what
it means about us if we have it or if we don't; and at it's very core, the belief
that love exists externally rather than internally, which is ultimately the true
culprit. When we believe our source of love resides in others, we are rendered
dependent on them for love, acceptance, approval, acknowledgement, affection,
attention and validation, and in our codependent nature, will go in search of
someone to help us feel "whole". In order to do so, we must seek out
(or already have) someone who will cooperate in this dynamic with us, hence creating
a "codependent" relationship, in which both parties are dependent on
the same set of beliefs in order to sustain the relationship. This happens in
relationships of all kinds, be it intimate, parent/child, friendship, coworkers,
or the world at large and is completely unconscious to most of us, which is where
our work begins. It's time to wake up! To be interdependent
is to live and practice the conscious awareness that our sense of Self is derived
from within. To be inter-dependent is to be "internally dependent" on
our own capacity for love, validation, and acceptance, rather than externally
dependent on others to fulfill us. Just as we learn to walk, talk, and feed our
bodies as we grow, we must also learn to honor, validate, and nurture our Souls
or we will remain dependent on others to do so. Most of us did not get a lot of
support in this area and learned instead to trust others more than ourselves,
seek others' opinions, approval, and acceptance over our own, and in essence,
lost pieces of our true Self along the way. This is that subtle feeling we get
sometimes that "something's missing". It IS! But it's not far out of
reach. The task now is to find and embrace those aspects of Self and remember
who we are again…from the inside out. Once in alignment
with that which we already ARE, we are able to relax and enjoy the love we feel
with others, rather than needing it to feel complete. When we are complete within
ourselves, we are at peace. If you've not yet explored
this aspect of your personal/spiritual growth, or at least not explored it from
this perspective, I highly recommend it as an empowering, enlightening, and often
very entertaining process!
|
Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright ©
2009 | |
“I
have found that if I love until it hurts, there is no more hurt…there is
only more love.” ~ Mother Theresa
Give
That Which You Want to Receive
I think Marianne
Williamson said it best when she said, "That which we most want from another
is that which we are least willing to give." This is a powerful statement!
 What
if the very thing that we are seeking in another…love, approval, validation,
acceptance, acknowledgment, respect…is the very thing that we were not giving
to ourselves, the other person, or the world at large? Think about it. What is
one thing that you wish another person would do, be, or say to you? Now, explore
a little further to ask yourself if you are doing, being, or saying that to the
other person? Are you giving them what you want to receive; are you giving it
to yourself? Are you validating others? Are you honoring, respecting, and listening
when they speak? Are you trusting and honoring yourself? Are you expressing love;
forgiveness; acceptance?
We are often so busy blaming, judging, and feeling
victimized that we don't recognize ourselves unconsciously doing the very same
thing! This is called denial, and it perpetuates our pain far more than the pain
inflicted by others. It is difficult to face ourselves and our own judgments,
but, if we are willing to look within first, we will begin to find peace.
The best way I know to do this is to simply "walk your talk." Regardless
of what is happening, if you want love, be loving. If you want peace, be peaceful.
If you want respect, be respectful. If validation and acknowledgment are what
you seek, ask yourself where you are not validating and acknowledging others.
Resist the temptation to blame, judge, and make others responsible for your
pain. Stop waiting for them do what you are failing to do yourself. You must embark
on the excavation of the truth within, humbly and willingly exploring your own
actions and behaviors. Forgive yourself…forgive others. If you want truth,
you must be truthful…and the deepest truth is love.
Sound challenging?
Go ahead. Try it on! Step out there on a skinny limb today and stretch past your
comfort. Strive for the truth and be willing to stand in it. What is one thing
in your heart that you've thought about, longed to do, say, or be, but have been
afraid to risk? Is there something that you want to share with someone…a
feeling, an apology, gratitude? Is there a boundary that needs to be set? Where
in your life are you withholding? By whom are you in fear of being rejected, embarrassed,
or even successful?
Nothing in our lives improves by our not showing
up. When you wonder why you aren't getting what you want, stop and consider how
you're asking for it, or if you ARE asking for it. Do you assume you can't have
it, so therefore, resist inviting it in? Open the door! Allow the Universe to
support you. Step out there and speak your truth, walk your talk, live your life
the way you want it to be delivered back to you. What if that's all that's required
of us to do…to just show up and let the Truth of our being shine through.
Go ahead…take the risk to be who you truly are and watch your life magically
unfold!
Today, I will look within myself for that which I have desperately,
painfully sought in others. I will forgive others and myself. I will begin the
process of giving that which I want to receive, with gratitude and love.
| Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright © 2009 | |
“The
Truth of a thing does not necessarily change the reality of it!" ~ Kate Bares-Johnson
 What's
in Your Suitcase?
When we enter into partnership, we come
with a suitcase packed with life experiences…past relationships, resentments,
wounds, needs, dramas, fears, desires, dreams, and beliefs about ourselves, and
about love. When we decide to set up house, literally and figuratively, we begin
to unpack our suitcases, revealing aspects of ourselves we may have had neatly
tucked away.
This is a natural and necessary process in every relationship. However, we often
find the contents of our partner's suitcase unbecoming or distasteful and prefer
they just get rid of it! And here it begins…the process of attempting to
change our mate so we'll be happy.
Lesson #1: Dig in your own suitcase! Rather than rummaging through your partner's
suitcase, look intently and honestly in your own and do what needs to be done
to put those things away. In other words, be willing to do heal your own wounds.
Lesson #2: Honor and validate your partner. There are
very distinct differences between masculine and feminine energy, even in same-sex
relationships, and a necessary balance of Yin and Yang is required. Learning to
recognize and understand these unique qualities, rather than judge and criticize,
is honoring and validating to our partner. Lesson #
3: Do not attack! Resist attacking others and yourself in thought, word, and
action. If you only practice this one principle, your life and your love will
change dramatically. Lesson #4: Remember that you
are on the same team. If a teammate makes a mistake and lets the team down, we
generally forgive, encourage and even pick up the slack if needed. However, couples
tend to take each other's mistakes and mishaps personally, forgetting they are
teammates in life, working toward the same goals. And
last,
Lesson #5: Remember the Higher Purpose of your Partnership.
We all need to feel a sense of purpose in our lives, yet we often fail to see
the greater purpose in our intimate relationships. It is important to identify
our own purpose as individuals, first and foremost. Once we are aware of our Self,
we are more willing to honor our partner's individuality and purpose, and together,
we are able to seek and understand the Higher Purpose of our relationship. When
in alignment and committed to something greater than ourselves, our relationship
has more meaning, life has more value, and love has no limit!
|
Kate Bares-Johnson
Copyright ©
2009 | |
“In
soloing - as in other activities - it is far easier to start something than it
is to finish it.” ~ Amelia Earhart
|
